GI Joe: Countdown For Zartan

Let me start by saying that I am a big fan of therossman.com and especially of his articles on GI Joe. It was those articles that inspired me to write this blog. Since the GI Joe movie is out, I thought I would re-watch the old episodes and see what strikes me as odd or funny after so many years. I decided to skip the Mini Series' since therossman.com has already commented on them quite sufficiently.

The first episode I watched was "Countdown For Zartan" written by Christy Marx. I remember this episode well, but I had forgotten all of the stuff that comes off as plain ridiculous. Well, either I had forgotten it, or I supressed the memory. Anyways, let's get started. (NOTE: If you need a better look at the pictures, just click on them.)

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- As the episode opens, the "foreboding music" kicks in right away. We zoom in on a hidden Cobra base in the middle of a jungle somewhere. The problem is that it's not hidden at all. The point is to make the camouflaged base look exactly like the surrounding jungle. Cobra failed big time. I can tell right away that someone is trying to hide something. The cool Cobra pyramid base is a nice touch though.

(The Hidden Base...Sort of)

(Cool Cobra Pyramid Base)

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- Cobra Commander is letting the Dreadnoks train the new recruits? I'm sure they have terrorist experience, but come on. There has to be someone more qualified than the Dreadnoks. Even Zartan would have been a better choice. Then again, Cobra Commander has never made the best decisions.

(The Dreadnoks & The New Recruits)

("Destroy the foundation and the rest will come crashing down.")

("Use tracer ammo.")

("Plastic explosives are harmless unless you add a detonator.")
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- Next we see Storm Shadow training the new recruits. That's more like it. I'd rather learn ninja skills than rowdy biker guy skills any day. Storm Shadow tries to teach them balance but as they attempt to copy him, the fat guy falls and knocks down the other two. As they lie on the ground, it makes me wonder if the animator drew the scene as sexually as possible on purpose.

("You must have perfect balance. Do as I do.")

(Fat Cobra Recruit Has Good Extension)

(Oops!)

(This Is Not What It Looks Like)
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- When Storm Shadow tells them to try again, the fat Cobra recruit says, "That's impossible. We can't do that." Hey fat Cobra guy...Storm Shadow can do it, so it is possible. Your fat ass just can't do it. There's a difference.

("That's impossible. We can't do that.")
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- The Dreadnoks call the recruits "storks" for trying to balance on one leg, and Ripper says, "If you want to learn some real tricks, follow us." Uh Ripper? Being a terrorist takes more than tricks. Tricks might work for a crazy laser rifle wielding biker dude, but if you want to compete with GI Joe, you need real training. I guess that's why Cobra never wins. They have idiots training the new recruits. (Except for Storm Shadow...he rules)

("If you want to learn some real tricks, follow us.")
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- The recruits do indeed follow the Dreadnoks and are just as amazed at their skills as they were at Storm Shadow's. Buzzer cuts a tanks tracks with his chainsaw, Ripper rips the tank open with his ridiculously huge bayonette, and then Torch breaks a third law of physics with his flamethrower. In a matter of seconds, he completely melts a freaking tank with his flamethrower. HE MELTS A TANK! The flames must be hotter than the sun and yet only the tank is affected. It stands to reason that if it was really hot enough to melt a tank, then trees would spontaneously combust and the Cobras would all catch fire. But not even the flamethrower is affected. How is Cobra losing with weapons like that? Torch claims that with their weapons, the Dreadnoks are unbeatable. Somehow they always get their asses kicked anyways. Go figure.

(Buzzer Does His Thing)

(Ripper Rips Open The Tank Like A Sardine Can)

(Torch Demonstrates His Awesome Weapon)

(The Tank Melts In Mere Seconds)
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- As the Dreadnoks gloat, Storm Shadow says the best ninja quote of all time: "Anyone can use a weapon, but a ninja is a weapon." When I heard this as a kid, I wrote it on my bedroom door. (I was big into the ninja craze in the 80's. I bought a real-life ninja uniform and everything. I even learned real skills that allowed me to infiltrate office buildings and hospitals at night just to sneak around all stealthily past all the security guards and night janitors. I'd tell myself, "I could kill them if I wanted to. But I don't want to." I am not even kidding. If I hadn't gotten so fat, I'd still be doing this today. I never used my ninja skills for evil and I never stole anything. Getting away with "stealthing and entering" was my only reward.) Storm Shadow shows his skills by hitting the tank in 4 places, after which it completely flies apart into at least 50 pieces (counting the rivets). After this awesome display, the recruits wisely decide to learn from Storm Shadow.

("Anyone can use a weapon, but a ninja is a weapon.")

(Ninja Awesomeness Is Displayed)

(The Recruits Recognize Real Skill)
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- Destro and Cobra Commander have a discussion about Storm Shadow and Destro calls the Dreadnoks useless. Then he calls Zartan "their sniveling master". But as they go inside, Cobra Commander tells Destro that "Zartan and the Dreadnoks are far more loyal and valuable" to him than Destro is. When Destro questions this, it is revealed that Destro was actually talking to Zartan in disguise. Ooo burn!

(Cobra Commander & Destro Discuss Storm Shadow, Zartan, & The Dreadnoks)

("Very convincing, Zartan.")

("Who plays the fool now, Destro?")
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- As the Dreadnoks follow orders to capture some French guy named Dr Mentier (pronounced men-tee-ay), Torch comes up behind the car and then just launches over it without any kind of ramp or Turbo Boost or anything. He didn't even jump using the car. That's really stupid.

(Torch Launches Over A Car)
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- The Dreadnoks herd their quarry into an alley in order to lead him into their hidden location. But even though the secret entrance is disguised by dumpsters and garbage, the 2 big doors are plainly visible.

(Hidden Doors...Sort Of.)

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- Zartan enters the World Wide Defense Center parking garage disguised as that French guy, Dr Mentier. He has to stop at the first of two security checkpoints and insert an identification card and then have his hand scanned. He is successful. Once inside, Storm Shadow drops from some overhead pipes to meet up with him. Zartan says, "The rendezvous inside the building." and Storm Shadow heads inside. Zartan has to go through the second of two security checkpoints and be scanned for weapons to get in, which he succeeds in doing, but obviously Storm Shadow has a better plan because he avoids all that crap with his ninja skills.

(Security Checkpoint 1)

(Insert Identification)

(Place Hand On Scanner)

("Thank you, Dr Mentier. Enter.")

(Storm Shadow Is Waiting Inside)

("The rendezvous inside the building." says Zartan)

(Security Checkpoint 2)

(Scanned For Weapons)

(Zartan Is In)
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- The French guy, Dr Mentier (Zartan in disguise) arrives at the secret rendezvous, which is in the middle of a hallway instead of some broom closet or bathroom which would make more sense. Storm Shadow comes jumping out of an air duct and gives Zartan a bomb. But Spirit is suspicious of the French guy and follows him, and catches them in the act. What I don't understand is why they just didn't have Storm Shadow do the job. He obviously needed no disguise, didn't have to go through security of any kind, and was able to travel through the air ducts (with the bomb on his back and all of his weapons) undetected. He was never seen until this moment when he came out of the air duct. I'm sure he would have remained in the air duct until he reached the target location, the Back-Up Control Room, if he was in charge of planting the bomb. Dr Mentier (Zartan in disguise) escapes down a corridor as Spirit confronts Storm Shadow. We see this from inside the air duct which obviously goes in the same direction that Zartan went. Storm Shadow would never have dropped down here if he had been doing the job. Now their cover is blown. Luckily Storm Shadow kicks Spirit's ass, allowing Zartan to plant the bomb.

(Secret Rendezvous)

("Give Me The Bomb." says Zartan)

(Busted By Spirit)

(Zartan Escapes With The Bomb)

(The Bomb Is Activated)
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- The Dreadnoks are ordered to guard the prisoners (Spirit and that French guy, Dr Mentier) so they decide to torture them instead by flooding their cell with laughing gas. I'm assuming that they are using nitrous oxide, but I could be wrong. Nitrous never actually made me laugh like a madman but maybe it has that effect on some people. Anyways, one of the Dreadnoks makes the comment that they will laugh themselves to death. I don't think that really happens. I know if you laugh to the point of hyperventilating, you can pass out and I suspect that's what would happen here. Maybe the overexposure to the nitrous oxide at that point would kill the prisoners, but it wouldn't really be laughing themselves to death. What kind of a sick bastard wants to kill somebody with laughter anyways? (I'm pretty sure The Joker has a patent on that method of murder.)

("They'll Laugh Themselves To Death!")

(Laughing Like Madmen)

(On The Verge Of A Laughing Death)

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- Spirit decides that he can't wait any longer for his friends to rescue them, so he decides to just break out of the cell he was in. Seems he had a secret knife hidden in his headband the whole time. He prays that the spirits of his fathers will guide his hand and then throws the knife at the control panel from far inside the cell. Instead of trying to get closer in an attempt to better his odds, he just throws from where he is. The knife flies straight and true and hits the control panel. Everyone knows that when you short circuit a control panel, all doors and locks open automatically.

(The Guards Are Gone & Spirit Has A Hidden Weapon)

("Spirits of my fathers, guide my hand.")

(No Need To Get Any Closer)

(Just Throw From Where You Are)

(Success!)

(Escape!)
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- Doc goes to check on Zartan and finds his cell empty. What Doc seems to have forgotten is that Zartan can become invisible by blending in to his surroundings like a chameleon. It's his whole freaking gimmick! Every Joe would have been briefed on that as soon as Zartan became a serious threat to them. But Doc is amazed that Zartan is gone and in that moment, Zartan makes his move and takes Doc out with the world famous Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Apparently Mister Spock taught that move to Zartan at some point.

("Where Could Zartan Be?")

(Vulcan Nerve Pinch!)
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- Spirit fires 2 missiles at the camouflage netting and it freaking explodes. That doesn't happen. Does that happen? I know missiles explode, but can camouflaged netting trigger a missile to explode?

(Spirit Steals A Rattler)

(Two Missiles Should Do The Trick)

(Success!)

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- Cobra Commander is shot down and as he falls, he grabs onto the strut of Destro's Fang. But at that angle, he would have had to fall through the rotor blades. He is lucky to be alive. Most people would have been killed by the blades but he passed between them unscathed.

(Cobra Commander Falls...)

(...And Grabs The Strut Of Destro's Fang! He Is One Lucky Bastard!)
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In closing, I have to say that I was a huge fan of GI Joe when I was a kid, and I still am. These shows are a major part of my childhood, as were the toys. My intention is not to convince you that the show isn't real because of the things pointed out, but instead to poke fun at the twisted logic and flawed physics that the GI Joe show feeds to children. I never saw these things as a kid and just bought into the craziness of the show. When it comes down to it, this is just a cartoon. But now I enjoy the show in a different way by laughing at the sheer violation of nature's physical laws and the illogical plots and characters. It's still a great show to me, but in a whole new way.

(Regis Emsti is a 42 year old non-virgin who gets laid anytime he wants, which goes against all laws of physics because he is a huge toy nerd.)